Archive for the 'Psychic octopus' Category

Psychic octopus steals underpants

July 1, 2010

At last the true horror of England’s elimination from the World Cup can be revealed in an Ambuscade exclusive.

My sources in the paranormal underground reveal that Paul the ‘psychic’ octopus is in fact a psycho-telekinetic one, with the ability to control minds from a distance. Alleged to be in the pay of Bavarian betting syndicates, his powers are controlled using so called ‘food’. These syndicates have manipulated their tentacled patsy into destablising the England camp and causing embolisms in the Uruguayan officials during the England/Germany match.

I can now reveal that various cleaners in the England hotel fell under the octupine spell and were bewitched into stealing items of the Team’s underwear. A deeply superstitious bunch, England players can only play to their potential when wearing their ‘lucky pants’. Rooney’s favourite Desperate Dan briefs went missing early on in the tournament spreading fear throughout the team. As the rounds progressed, further items went missing. Gareth Barry’s speedy gonzales boxers, John Terry’s designer micky mouse Y fronts and Frank Lampard’s ‘tizer’ branded incontinence nappy all disappeared, resulting in a devastating effect on team ability and concentration. Forced to wear unfamilar and unbranded underwear, England fell apart.

Of course, a tactical genius like the uber-octopus had a further ace up its sucker. At the precise moment when the shot from Lampard crossed the line (interestingly, Lampard reports this being the only time his south african pants felt comfortable and ‘secure’) our eight limbed nemesis focused all its attention on the match officials, causing temporary embolisms in their visual cortexes. Prevented by FIFA from using anything other than their senses to make decisions, the helpless officials disallowed the goal and the rest is history, mein aquatischen fuhrer!

The world awaits the octopus’ approach to Maradona (my prediction is a half-time nude abuse of his vuvuzela in the centre circle) and the rest of the teams remaining in Germany’s way. As the saying goes: “Football is a simple game, 22 men kick a ball up and down the pitch for 90 minutes then, following telekinetic intervention by a corrupt cephalopod mollusk, the Germans win.”

As for me, I am putting on my anti-octopus lead helmet and returning to non-league drinking in Rotheram. I will return only when the octopus, and all his teutonic kind, are served in batter with a nice garlic mayonnaise.

Dave ‘Long Live the Vertebrates’ Ambuscade