Archive for June, 2010

England victory certain

June 26, 2010

Despite the predictions of Paul the Octopus (who I believe to be the innocent dupe of Bavarian betting syndicates) I confidently predict an England win tomorrow.  Its the first of a three stage war re-enactment that will take in World War II, the Falklands (quarter final) and then the Armarda (semi final).  Don Fabio and the English press will be fully behind it and, unlike our new Prime Minister, I will be mentioning the war!!

After that it will be Brazil in the final.  Piece of piss.  Enough said.

Then it will be 1966 all over again.  I could have played in that final but FIFA banned me on the grounds that my steel leg would reflect the sun’s light into ‘Der Kaiser’s eyes, giving our lads an unfair advantage.  Then Geoff Hurst stole it to provide the metal for a hasty replacement trophy after the original got stolen.  That was nothing to do with me either, and the fact that the original ransom note is in a Durban exhibition hall while I am here too is entirely co-incidental.

Am off now to make my Nacho Libre mask for Mexico V Argentina.  My plan is to run onto the field, snip off Messi’s real leg, replace it with my spare plastic one and then exit quietly stage left.  With the mask on and the Mexican wave I’ll have started going strong, nobody will see me.  Its flawless.

Dave ‘El Pinko Panthera’ Ambuscade


Allez les bleus – all the way home!

June 23, 2010

So the French depart. And there was much weeping and annoyed shrugging and, outside France, much sniggering and cackling.

For Don Fabio’s brave boys the chance at the second round beckons clearly, over the skies of Slovenia. Wherever it is. I may have been there on a drunken bender back in the fifties, I’m not sure. I’ll have to check my diaries, or the stasi records my historian recently unearthed. It seems that the secret police of most of eastern europe kept a close eye on my false leg during our tours. They suspected me of using it to courier secret microfilms of honey-trapped communist dignatories back to blighty. You will have to wait another 30 years to find out the truth of this but let me just say – when Peter ‘pretty boy’ Zambezi put on a wig, he could pass for Zsa Zsa Gabor on a windy day!!

Enough said on that front (and what Eric Hoenecker didn’t know, didn’t hurt him!)

Now for the game. I expect an offensive formation, and not just that on Rooney’s face. Will the midfield paring of Gerrard and Lampard survive? My advice to Don Fabio is to borrow advanced surgery techniques from my prosthetic supplier and combine them into an unstoppable four legged football crustacean – the eight limbed Gerlamps Crab. Removing their arms and adding them to the James torso will achieve the doubled benefit of eliminating handball problems as the Gerlamps Crab scuttles around the six-yard box and will provide a 400% efficiency improvement in the performance of the James Calamity Engine. Football, and biological, history beckons.

Come on England, your shoreline bretheren expect!

Dave ‘seafood platter’ Ambuscade

Hubris is a dish best served a La Francais

June 18, 2010

Sacres bleus!! Viva mexico!! Arriba arriba nachos libres!!

Por tois le cup is oveur.  A dour display by the sons of la republic leaves them at the mercy of others (yet again, nobody mention the war).

While the french cockerel fails to wake for the dawn, no doubt too tired after a night with underage denizens of the bois de bologne, the english lion awakes to another feasting day on the african plains.

With last week’s diplomatic tie with the USA well under the bridge (and Robert Green making good headway in his secret quest to single handedly rescue the special relationship after the BP well debacle), attention now focuses on the Algeria game.

The masterful Don Fabio’s plan is progressing well, I fully expect a revived strikeforce with  Defoe and Rooney up front with Gerrard coming in from behind.  Attack from the front lads, defend high up the pitch and take your chances well, In other words don’t be French,

Despite the insular views of those untravelled and myopic fans wanting the BBC to bleep out the Vuvuzelas I am a personal fan of them.  Not only do they function as a spare leg (always useful) but can be used as a funnel through which to pour the budweiser (the only beer allowed at the stadiums) into the sea.  FIFA – whathaf**k?  Not even the yanks drink it! and at 30 rand (3 quid) a bottle its overpriced, undercooled and unfortunately, much like Frank Ribery, over here,

My prediction today is for a sudetenland stalemate, a yankee doodle dandy and a narrow England win with the british tabloids resurrecting headlines from Monty’s north african campaign.

Au revior again ma plucky franch freenz.


Dave ‘insert vuvuzela here’ Ambuscade

Pictures from Germany vs Australia in Durban

June 14, 2010

Don Fabio Expects

June 12, 2010

The nation awaits the latest results of Don Fabio’s manouverings later today.  Intervening in the Mexican Gulf to distract the US and foster a degree of anti-english feeling that will take the US team over the top to will allow our glorious boys to go over the top under cover and round the back coming in off the flanks to deliver a killing blow early doors.
Dave’s predictions are a team comprising Green, Johnson, Terry, Nat, King, Cole, Milner, Gerrard, Lampard, Cole, John, Lennon and Desparate Dan the Growth Hormone Man.  With a 3 – 1 England Victory within grasp.  Nobody needs to mention Don Fabio’s ‘Sicilian Heritage’ and the ‘influence’ that can bring to the behaviour of certain members of the USA team.  Omerta my friends, omerta.
The English weather has been imported specially.  My arrival on its own has resulted in a freak cold front sweeping the country with temperatures in the key venues resembling the cold wigan nights I remember from my own footballing days.  I’d like to see Ronaldo coping with freezing temperatures with just a freshly killed ferret to warm his crack and a mild and bitter at half-time.  Mind you, he probably has a sheepskin jockstrap.  In my time the only sheepskin we got was the one we hid inside to avoid the other team’s fans after a ‘cunning’ victory courtesy of a well nobbled referee.
I’m off now to see the plucky South Koreans defeat the Greeks while passing my hollow leg around the bar, filled with Ouzo and Rice Wine. 
Bafana Bafu**ed!!
Dave ‘In Fab We Trust’ Ambuscade, Durban, South Africa