Cry God for Barry, England and St George

May 27, 2010

While I could fill the holding midfielder role with a plomb (Older readers among you may remember Reg Plomb who played for Preston North End in the 1930’s, RIP Reg), Don Fabio seems to think it involves being mobile, passing accurately and timing your tackles well (that’s you Carrick!!!).  He is obviously not familiar with my old ‘hollow leg’ technique of imbibing overproof rum and then fire breathing onto the ‘upper thighs’ of the approaching opposition.  That works wonders.  I’d like to see Messi continue his runs with singed nadgers!  Ronaldo will be tricky though as I think he shaves his.  Maybe just dangle a fake diamond at him, that’ll distract him long enough to splash a bit of Old Spice down his shorts – ooh that smarts!!
If he doesn’t favour that tactic then he’ll need to put Barry out, on crutches if necessary.  Alternatively he can go with the umbrellad one’s 1-3-5-21-45-two-fat-ladies approach that is understood only too badly by our head-down-run-at-the-enemy-god-bless-em-boys. 
My innovative suggestion – forget about the holding midfielder and put two goalies on – rush keeper FIFA?
My latest strike breaking travel technique – if you can’t get on the flight you need, get in an insulated diving suit complete with oxygen tanks and sellotape yourself to a non-BA plane.  That way you can cope with the cold and the lack of air during the flight and can drop yourself into the sea on the approach to South Africa – thus avoiding all that messy customs stuff.  Remember to take your diving knife though, to cut yourself out of the sellotape and to deal with sharks as you get nearer the shore. 
Later WC goers, I’m off to put a bet on North Korea!

Dave Ambuscade, South London.


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