Archive for May, 2010

Cry God for Barry, England and St George

May 27, 2010

While I could fill the holding midfielder role with a plomb (Older readers among you may remember Reg Plomb who played for Preston North End in the 1930’s, RIP Reg), Don Fabio seems to think it involves being mobile, passing accurately and timing your tackles well (that’s you Carrick!!!).  He is obviously not familiar with my old ‘hollow leg’ technique of imbibing overproof rum and then fire breathing onto the ‘upper thighs’ of the approaching opposition.  That works wonders.  I’d like to see Messi continue his runs with singed nadgers!  Ronaldo will be tricky though as I think he shaves his.  Maybe just dangle a fake diamond at him, that’ll distract him long enough to splash a bit of Old Spice down his shorts – ooh that smarts!!
 
If he doesn’t favour that tactic then he’ll need to put Barry out, on crutches if necessary.  Alternatively he can go with the umbrellad one’s 1-3-5-21-45-two-fat-ladies approach that is understood only too badly by our head-down-run-at-the-enemy-god-bless-em-boys. 
 
My innovative suggestion – forget about the holding midfielder and put two goalies on – rush keeper FIFA?
 
My latest strike breaking travel technique – if you can’t get on the flight you need, get in an insulated diving suit complete with oxygen tanks and sellotape yourself to a non-BA plane.  That way you can cope with the cold and the lack of air during the flight and can drop yourself into the sea on the approach to South Africa – thus avoiding all that messy customs stuff.  Remember to take your diving knife though, to cut yourself out of the sellotape and to deal with sharks as you get nearer the shore. 
 
Later WC goers, I’m off to put a bet on North Korea!

Dave Ambuscade, South London.

Fear the Volcano God!

May 18, 2010

The British Airways strike looks like being called off because the unions did not publicise 11 spoilt ballot papers out of a total of 10,000 ballots cast in their strike vote.  This is a most welcome move as it means I can now come to SA courtesy of our national flag carrier and not by raft.  The only thing I fear now is the wrath of the angry Volcano God, he keeps the skies of Europe filled with ash as the hapless citizens try in vain to beg him for mercy.  Their piety is not in doubt but their inability to call him by his proper name, Eyjafjallajökull, means that their pleas go unheard.  When will you hear our cry Volcano God?  Where is Doug McClure when you need him?

On the pitch, Don Fabio continues his injury smokescreen, rumours that the spud faced nipper has overdosed on cow pies fill the airways as the odds for the Peter Crouch/Praying Mantis ‘robo-dance’ in the final lengthen.  Who will be the player of the tournament – my prediction is Kim Jung Ill, midfield supremo and creative inspiration for the North Korea side.

As Ceasar would say: Totus teams lascivio tunc germen lucror in poena tametsi vacuus Ballack is ero aliquantulus furta!

Dave Ambuscade, South London.

British Airways offers stress-relief plan for nervous England fans

May 11, 2010

British Airlines cabin crew have selflessly voted to keep England fans away from the World Cup to avoid exposing them to the stress of watching their team play.  BA’s ‘stay at home’ policy matches that of some of the England players who are acquiring injuries and personal crises so that they don’t have to embarass themselves on the world stage.  Beckham, Barry, Ferdinand, King, Terry, Bridge and Rooney are all involved in this strategy (in King’s case he has been planning for this his whole career) but it has backfired as less experienced malingerers such as Cole, Cole and Lennon mistimed their injuries and are now as fit as headlight blinded rabbits.

Today Don Fabio will announce his provisional squad.  To save time he has taken the register from the Wembley Hospital Accident and Emergency department and will simply read it out.

Glory beckons for some – but for now I merely scream ‘Hopp Schweiz!’

New Walkway to Moses Mabhida Stadium

May 3, 2010

Here are some pictures from an early morning walk that we did from the SunCoast Casino near Battery beach to the new stadium.