Dave ‘Hollow Leg’ Ambuscade

Dave Ambuscade’s exploits in the English semi-pro leagues are legendary.  When he made his precocious debut for Effingham Lancers aged 14 witnesses predicted that his deft wing-play and sticky ball control would lead to a fluorescent international career.

The tragedy that befell him at the ill-tempered 1992 ‘Plate Engraver’s Cup’ match between Ambuscade’s Trowbridge Neanderthals and their arch rivals Ebbisham Tendency was a blow that few could respond to.  The story of how Ambuscade fought back to forge a footballing career with only one leg is one that will be told to children a thousand years hence.

Tale will also be told of how he used to fill the hollowed false leg with a combination of scotch whisky and morphine so as to have a bit of a sip on long, cold, wet, February afternoons in ‘the arse end of Humberside’ while gallantly defending the goal of his last team, Montpellier Street Irrationals.

Following his forced retirement due to a prolapsed spleen, Dave moved into local radio commentary.  His enthusiastically partisan approach made him legions of fans and his catchphrase of “kick the f****** bladder you cockshy c***” has ensured that his legacy will live on, immortalised in the memory of all true football fans.