British Airways offers stress-relief plan for nervous England fans

British Airlines cabin crew have selflessly voted to keep England fans away from the World Cup to avoid exposing them to the stress of watching their team play.  BA’s ‘stay at home’ policy matches that of some of the England players who are acquiring injuries and personal crises so that they don’t have to embarass themselves on the world stage.  Beckham, Barry, Ferdinand, King, Terry, Bridge and Rooney are all involved in this strategy (in King’s case he has been planning for this his whole career) but it has backfired as less experienced malingerers such as Cole, Cole and Lennon mistimed their injuries and are now as fit as headlight blinded rabbits.

Today Don Fabio will announce his provisional squad.  To save time he has taken the register from the Wembley Hospital Accident and Emergency department and will simply read it out.

Glory beckons for some – but for now I merely scream ‘Hopp Schweiz!’